Family Curses and shovels....

There have been very few times I wanted my mother back on this earth. In fact, I can count them all on one hand and recall each specific moment in which the thought had become a yearning. It surprised me very little to find that the moments I wanted her back were primarily consisting of simply wanting to scold her and show her the long-term result of the actions she chose to take throughout the entirety of my childhood. In my opinion she received a lesser sentence by never having to face the permanent ripples she caused in future generations.

The family curse was never "getting married 3 times"...

I grew up hearing about how I would be married 3 times. That each woman in our family had to be married 3 times and the "curse" had traveled for generations. I HATED that... I believed in fairytales. I knew that one day Id meet the man I was supposed to marry and that we would be together for as long as we both were breathing. I didnt want to hear how I was already doomed in love at 7 years old.

Ive never been one to stay inside the lines... in fact I often would push the limit in all areas of my life. Testing just how far I could go without a reaction. This time was no different... Im smart, not just witty smart but whip smart. When I found the man I wanted I immediately came up with a way I thought would keep him forever....

I was determined to beat the family "curse" and actually felt fairly clever in the way I would do it. Believe it or not, Im working on marriage #2.... to my 1st husband.

Yes, you read that correctly. I have married my husband in official ceremonies involving

family, friends, traditions... twice..... On the left is the first time. We were married by a justice of the peace in bellingham wa, July 1st 2004. I was 5 months pregnant with my joey. The photo on the right, was ceremony #2 in which my boys walked me down the aisle to my husband, July 1st 2014 in a backyard ceremony with all our family and friends.

All in my desperate attempt to break some sort of invisible hold that supposedly would destroy my marriage.

In that process I discovered something absolutely life changing..... I learned what the family curse REALLY was.

Generational Trauma......

Passed down from generation to generation disguised as 'love', 'guidance' and 'discipline'. The reason each woman was married 3 times wass due to their own toxicity with men. Each one thinking there was nothing wrong with the way they were raised and continuing to damage the future mothers in the family carrying over toxic, destructive parenting that bleeds into the childs adult life later on. Not to mention completely destroying a small girls perspective on love simply because they refused to admit they were to toxic and caused the demise of their own relationships! Wouldn't that in turn make them the curse? I digress....

I recognized this and immediately sought to change the behavior. Knowing now it was never about curses or nonexistent fairytales, but it was in fact a direct result of human behavior.... they caused it..... And I thought to myself, How would I change that in my own kids. How would I stop any and all "curses" from the reaching my kids, if the people who raised me, were the cursed ones?

This was easy for me.......

* I dont hit my kids. I used to. I stopped when I realized that assault. Thankfully they have since forgiven me for my shitty parenting (yes, I asked them to forgive me for hitting them)

*I dont take their things. Sometimes thats all they have, if I want a behavior modified I talk to them, which moves us to the next thing.....

*I dont yell. Yea, shocker I know. But kids are mini human beings learning from me.. why would I teach them that yelling will get what I want? It doesn't. In fact yelling often belittles your child and makes them feel like you could care less how they feel. YOU SMALL, ME BIG!!! Mentality ... if you will. So how do I discipline?....

I TALK TO THEM LIKE THEY FUCKING MATTER!!!!!

Seriously if you are one of the people that automatically asked that in your head, please remove me AND my children from your life. K, thanks bye....

Heres how I parent tough situations....

My oldest son is 19, by law an adult.

The other day I heard a line of cuss words coming from his room while he was gaming that woulda made a sailor blush. (At this point my mother would have busted in, hit me in the mouth, took all my shit and grounded me) I calmly called him out to the dining room where I was working on something and the dialog went as follows:

Me: Hey, frustrating game? You dropped a lot of pretty vivid words there a second ago, you know your brother was in the same room?

Joey: Yea, Im sorry mom, Simon and I have been trying to get this raid done for weeks and we keep dying. Ill watch it, Im taking a break now, I just got a little upset.

Me: Understandable. But please make sure your more careful around your brother, I know Im no better with all my f bombs but really we should all be more aware of our language

"But Crys that one was an easy fix, thats not tough parenting!"

Ok fine...

That same child last year in a heated debate with me, shoved me to the floor in my kitchen. I was extremely disrespectful to him in that moment and he was overwhelmed by how he felt, I'm by NO MEANS condoning my sons behavior Im simply owning my part in it (My mom would have proceeded to get up and beat me within an inch of my very life without ever acknowledging that she really disrespected me as a person which caused me a lot of anger) I went outside for about 2 mins. I took a deep breath, came back... the dialog went...:

Me: Are you ok?

Joey: *crying Why are you asking me?! I just pushed you! I should be asking you!!!

Me: Yep, you sure did. And that wasnt ok at all. You will have to answer to your father for that action in itself, but..... you have never done that before, your a good kid.... and your body language isnt telling me your angry, its telling me your hurt. So ill ask you again, and please tell me the truth....are you ok?

Joey: still crying..... You made me feel like my feelings didn't matter to you, like you didnt care about what I had to say and it hurt... he then proceeded to sob and grab me and hug me for what felt like an hour.

See the thing is.... you can never be a bad child, to a good parent......hard parenting just means shadow work for the parent. There is no hard parenting. I love my teenagers and I relish every moment in watching them enjoy life and become men, but they got there because I put my feelings on the back burner.

I did NOT make my children responsible for my healing by taking every single thing they did like a personal attack on me as a mom. That was ALL ON ME. Children are naturally selfish, we raise them to feel like the world revolves around them, theres a lot of shock that comes with it when they find out thats not the case lol

Tough parenting is tough for the parent.... not the child....

(Photo credit courtesy: PNWBoltonPhotography )

Its saying "No" to something they reallllllly want, and instead of saying "because I said so" you give them an actual legitimate reason because you realize they are just as much entitled to an explanation as you are and you are not above explaining it just cuz you are mom or dad. Its title, not a God card...

It was pausing before yelling over small shit, they wont remember the spilled milk, but they will remember me calling them a name for it for the rest of their lives.

It was hugging them when they say "Im fine mom" with attitude, instead of taking away all their things because Im hurt over some sass, later finding out that a friend had said something really hurtful and they were trying to be "tough" about it.

It was showing them through apologies that Im not perfect but that I want to be as close as I can because they deserve that in this life, just as every child does.

Its a lot of nights hoping I wont be the reason they are in therapy, or the reason they cant get close to people, or the reason they hate their bodies, minds and beautiful imperfections.

I include them in every family decision because they are in fact part of the family. They get to have valued input and discussions and have even had their ideas selected over our own as their suggestion often was better.

Its daily work on those relationships with them. I tell them frequently all the things I love about them, I put all insecurities to bed and remind them, every bit of them is perfectly imperfect and thats how its supposed to be. I make time for them, I put my cellphone away when they talk to me for any reason and I never ever turn down a hug......

I respect my children and the experiences they are having in this life. There feelings are just as valid as mine were at that age and as mine are now as an adult recovering from toxic parenting. I dont hide my childhood from my kids and when I mess up I apologize and add "Just because I dont hit you, doesnt mean I didnt hurt you" and promptly try to fix what it was I did. My boys are a gift to me and are treated as such, not in the sense of getting spoiled but in the sense that they have earned and regularly display the same respect and consideration I give my husband.

I get so many compliments on my children about how they are so respectful, and I just tell people " You get out what you put in." My boys will help and old lady across the street then turn right around and put a grown adult in their place for being disrespectful to said old lady. Defenders of the weak and slayer of egos.

To many adults are content treating children like mini robot slave replicas designed to be perfect worker bees, while forgetting these are living breathing beings that did NOT ask to be here, you brought them here, do not treat them like their existence is just an 18-year contractual pain in your ass like my mother did, or you might find out the hard way that your 18 year contract can terminate without your permission.

Thank you

CR