Me and God

I have decided its time to share my testimony... I awoke this morning with the reminder in my ears "Remember the Sabbath and keep it holy."

Some people are chosen by God early in their lives. They love him unconditionally almost immediately in their lives, they live for him, sing for him and devote everything to him. Others wander astray after finding some fault or maybe never truly having faith at all. I never had the faith from the start, I hope you read my story as I'm called to share it......

Telling Nana what she wanted to hear....

I vaguely remember one night when I was roughly 8-9 years old, it was after a evening service of some kind at my grandparents' church. I felt a Prescence that night and the minute I began to talk about it to my grandmother, every adult in the vicinity was crying and putting their hands on me and singing.

Please remember.... Im a physical abuse survivor and at that point in my life it was some of the worst, people touching me usually wasn't something good and all these grown-ups crowding around me, and not giving me room only scared the shit out of me.

It didn't stop there either... they kept me up late almost interrogating me about the presence and what I felt and stuffing me with bible verses to repeat over and over while they all cried and wailed. I was... terrified. It felt like something out of a cult movie, and I really regretted saying anything to them.

I said whatever I needed to in order to get all the adults around me to give me space and let me breath. That night my grandparents and my parents both thought I had accepted Christ, but really, I needed a way out of an uncomfortable and frankly weird.... situation, so I said whatever I knew they wanted to hear, and of course I never lived a word of it.

Fast Forward

Fast Forward 30 years. I was a devout and practicing pagan/wiccan. I carried out rituals every Solstice, set and cleaned my altar regularly, smudged my house weekly, taught my kids of the Gods I believed in and why, the whole 9.

I was working for the print shop for the second time and had just realized that my latest and biggest MS relapse had hit. Partial paralysis in my legs, facial nerve pain, loss of bladder control, weight loss and everything had me on the couch realizing I had to quit my full-time job. I couldn't work in the condition I was in, and I knew that meant leaving my husband with the full brunt of our expenses in 2024 during ones of the worst economic periods we have personally experienced.

One night in particular I was camped out on the couch dreading work the following day, I was so depressed and felt so alone. All I wanted was to reach out to my stepfather for some advice on how he dealt with my mother's pain while he worked and was the sole income..... but I remembered that for 8 years now he's left me alone, hasn't cared about the events in my life or my children's lives and I reminded myself that reaching out to him now would only pull back the toxicity I had worked for 30 years to get away from. At that moment I started to cry, I realized every father figure that had ever come into my life, left just as quickly. I started to blame myself, maybe the little girl with the big opinions and a way with hurtful words were to much for these 'men'?

As I wiped away the tears the next tv show started on the history channel.... "The bible".... how appropriate I muttered to myself, thinking of the one I purchased 6 months ago that was still wrapped in plastic and hidden under my bed. I had told my best friend about it, but no one else. The stigma of a pagan owning a bible for me was a little to taboo and I didn't want anyone to know. And honestly if you had asked me the moment I bought it, why I had bought it..... I couldn't have told you. I just remember one night deciding to buy one.

Que the Big guy......

I grabbed the remote and said aloud "Nope.... You don't care about me, no man in my life has except Bebe (My nickname for my hubby). Every last one of those assholes abandoned me....", I almost snickered at the snappy remark and just as I was about to change the channel, I heard it.....

"I did not abandon you......."

Clear as day. Like he was right next to me and said it directly in my ear.....

I froze. Solid. I wasn't afraid, I was stunned. Every inch of me started to tingle and something started to well up inside me from the bottom of my gut. A gold hue seemed to fill my eyes and then the room out of nowhere. I could feel tears burning my cheeks as they ran down my face in waves, but I never queued them. My hands started to shake and out of my mouth the words fumbled... "I know you" ....

I slid to the floor landing on my knees as the sobs poured out of me and I realized, I wasn't sobbing because I was sad... no..... For the first time in my life, I was crying because I felt an overwhelming love. I felt as though I had been wrapped in someone's arms and that all the love I had felt was taken from me for 30 years flowed back into my body all at once and it was indescribable and beautiful.

I felt compelled to grab the bible I had stashed under my bed, and I ripped the plastic off determined to find a passage in there that said that even heathens and the unloved could come to God. And boyyyyyy did I ever find them..... I started reading the bible front to back. (I know lol you're not supposed to) I got to Deuteronomy when it occurred to me that what I was looking for was in the bible was in almost every verse.... every word..... every moment......

That night I set up my own personal bible study system so that I could really learn every word and what it really meant to be loved by God.

Can God love sinners and the damned?

Having been unworthy of love to every adult that crossed my path you can imagine that I was concerned the same would be true of Christ and the Father... so I kept reading. I needed to make sure this wasn't a game like all my great examples of men growing up.

One morning my beloved husband got out of bed to find me just staring at my bible. When he finished giving me my morning hug I asked him "Baby, can God love someone ugly on the inside like me?" Without missing a beat he says "Yea, and you're not ugly inside.... other people made you feel ugly inside."

See, my husband was raised up Mennonite and does believe in God himself so asking these types of questions felt safe for me. He continued, "Look up all the major names in the bible and read their stories love, you'll see."

I did.... and story after story showed me one common thread.... He loves..... but more poignant than that for me.... He loves..... me........ ME?

Where I'm at today....

That was 7 months ago.... So what have I done to show Christ I am living for him now?

I replaced morning doom scrolling on my phone with morning devotionals and I also pick a study by situation. For example, my latest bible study has been of addiction and all versus and situations in the bible that deal with all that.

I have decided to enter sobriety from alcohol as that has been a trigger and a gateway for me to make horrible decisions, I know would never show I live for Christ.

I try to love myself more because I know that he loves me and wouldn't want me to destroy myself anymore, he knows I've suffered enough.

I inject him into everything in my life from my gardening to my cooking.... I feel he is with me always now.

I do plan to be baptized before I pass but I want it my way.......I don't want all my friends and family in a stuffy church. I want to find a place that speaks to me in God's country, and I want to be cleansed in the water like his disciples and followers. I want to know that I truly am a child of God and that at the end of this journey in my life, I will see him.

Conclusion

"Remember Lots Wife".

Don't look back..... what's behind you is behind you for a reason.

I have outgrown many things in the last 7 months.

I am.... a child of God. From that beautiful night he spoke to me on.... I will live through him... I will do all things through him.

Not just so I can get into the kingdom of Heaven.... but just want to be loved by God the ultimate father. <3

Thank you for reading

CR