It comes in waves.....

What does grief physically feel like?

I asked myself that question with the intent to dig deeper into why I still feel so gone since my most recent interaction with death was not my first.

I was 11 my sister and I got home from school to find my mother curled up in a ball in my grandfather's lap sobbing. She took us one at a time to our room and quietly explained that the reason she was crying was because my father had passed away. I remember the words coming out of her mouth, though I wasn't quite sure what they meant, and she didn't care to clarify. I remember after she told me I went outside and sat on the curb watching the neighbor kids play, but I didn't join them, I sat..... staring blankly into nothing. I was blank for months... then, all at once it seemed I couldn't get over it. All I could do after that was cry uncontrollably, usually at school. At home there wasn't much allowance for true grieving and asking questions. It was a suffer in silence type of situation. 13 years I held it in. I can finally look at photos of him and his accident and not cry. I call that 'healed'.

When I was 23 we would discover that my mother had passed in her sleep one night in feb. My stepdad discovered her body in bed but by then she was cold and it was far to late. He had slept on the couch the night before because my mom said she was struggling to sleep. So joe made other arrangements that night. My mother was bedridden at this point and used an intercom buzzer system to let us know when she needed medication or food and drink. My stepdad and I were chatting over coffee that morning when it occurred to him it was late morning, and she hadn't rang the buzzer for her morning medication. When he went to check on her we realized what had really happened. Coroner said she passed in the night sometime due to heart failure. I spent a week solid drunk as a skunk, but even so.... I finally released her ashes into the ocean last year.

Now Im 40..... I just turned 40 in December actually.... and I started my 41st year, by putting my dog down. You all know the story but what you don't know is just how difficult this has really been for me. Even through the death of both of my biological parents I have never felt this type of pain.... never.

How.... how did I go my whole life not knowing what love was? How did I lose both parents and still not feel like this.....

My insides feel like they are rotting..... Every time I breath its putrid and suffocating no matter how much fresh air I breath in. The color is gone in my days, nothing is bright anymore. It all feels like a dull version of what it used to be.... muted browns and dull orange, filthy yellow and washed-out reds..... Food doesn't taste the same.... like the rot has taken over before it even touches my mouth, eating feels like such a chore now.... Sleep.... all I want to do is sleep but the second I close my eyes I see every time I yelled at her, every time I didn't listen when she looked at me desperate for my help, I see every time I failed her.....

Coffee doesn't work.... 2 pots down by 9 and all it does is make me frantic and nauseous. Painting doesn't help.... she used to sit with me when I would paint. I have so many pictures of her at my feet for hours while I painted. Now painting feels hollow, almost pointless...

Every day is meshed through tears, sleep and fog.

It has been 47 days since Ive hugged you.......47 days since I heard your awoos.........47 days that my heart has just been rotting in my chest.

It comes in waves..... It takes me out at the knees and tumbles me through a mess of memories..... Then I manage a deep breath and for a moment the hurt subsides.

I can try to get up and keep walking, all while the little memories of her wash over my feet. I see her face in the bubbles and I find the strength to keep going until the next wave hits.

What a strange person I feel I am.... having little emotion for the loss of parents that damaged me beyond belief for 23 years.... and being shattered over the loss of a single animal who shared no words with me for 14 years......

Grief is funny, dont ya think