The Angel

If you've been following my blog or even if you've talked to me briefly about my painting experience you've no doubt heard how my first try at art went. The newest painting I'm going to reveal to you was the result of me revisiting that moment..... Allow me to explain.

When I was younger, I had created a beautiful (albeit naked) angel, on some left-over cardboard from a school project. The angel was facing away from the viewer in that drawing. My mother lost her marbles over it. Insisted that I must have been having sex to be having thoughts of naked angels. (I wasn't)

First, let me just address something about my narcissistic mother..... I was in trouble for everything. I could do nothing right, I was always ungrateful, disrespectful or something she couldn't control... I was always the problem but especially when I told her she was abusive....that is, Until she wanted my attention..... then I was 'Just like her', broken and damaged, she tried to connect that as a similarity we could share... but what I didn't realize til many years later is that I was in fact broken and damaged but not because there was anything wrong with me like she made me feel .... because of her.... SHE made me just like her... I guess she thought that would work out for her, and Id end up being a shitty narcissist mother like her. Jokes on her, I was smart enough to see that she was the problem, so lucky for me... I never repeated her shit and my children are a DIRECT reflection of that.... now back to the story.....

Last night I decided to revisit the angel. After that interaction with my mom I shut out art. I barely even doodled on my school papers anymore. I took up writing instead and even that got beat up by my mom for being "morbid and dark"... uh yea... that's kind of what it felt like being your kiddo mom.... As an adult my doodles would serve only to help when I would color with my kids or they would ask me to draw them things. So last night I sat with my inner self and had a chat.

" If you could revisit that piece, what would you do differently."

In the piece we see an angel appearing in a open clearing to a small girl in the forest. But the symbolism goes much deeper than that. So lets look closer.

Lets start with our little girl.

A small girl of maybe 7 alone in a darkened forest. There is no guardian here for her. Shes been wandering alone with only a teddy bear for comfort.

Our angel appears, carrying a sword but still the girl is not afraid. She looks up awe and reverence and offers the angel her sole form of comfort.

The angels outstretched hand appears to be reaching for the bear, but in fact its reaching for the girl.

The girl, having always given her everything to everyone else but herself presents the teddy bear as a gift because she finds herself to be unworthy.

As I write this I have tears in my eyes. My subconscious tends to paint for me... when I tell people that I paint in a trance or absentmindedly, I mean it. It's not until after I'm done with the painting or even the next day that it takes me out at the kneecaps with the symbolism.

The little girl is obviously a representation of the "me" I lost to my mother. A young girl completely destroyed, pulled apart and then stapled back together haphazardly by her own mother and the destructive parenting methods.

The teddy bear? Funny you ask.....

I have had a teddy bear for 39 years. Its a small red bear I got from my father that had a matching set of pjs with it. That bear has been patched and stitched and stapled back together over the decades... just like me. That teddy bear got me through everything with her and its the only thing Ive ever made sure not to lose when Ive moved. That bear carried 39 years of abuse and trauma at the hands of every single adult in my life.

If an angel appeared to you now, what would you do?

A child offering its only form of comfort is a sacrifice of the purest form. To her, she has nothing else. There is nothing more important to her than the comfort and safety that bear provides. Her willingness to part with it shows that she has not been completely destroyed by the folly of man but instead has chosen to rise above it and still put her heart out there.

You may notice she has no face, in fact neither of them do. This is for a reason. I wanted no facial expressions. I wanted the viewer to understand the transaction here without having to see the ques in their faces.

Now lets address our angel. We see this angel is carrying a sword. Thats because this angel is specific.

This is Jophiel.

The only female depicted Archangel to fight alongside Michael in the spirit realm. Shes also the patron angel of artists.

She moves at the speed of our own thoughts to raise our vibrations to the level needed for us to experience creative and spiritual illumination.

I chose her for the most obvious of reasons.... I needed an angel as kid.

Our children know things. They are not stupid......

If your child has called you out on your negative/shitty behavior and you chastised them....

Get help.

If your child says "You hurt my feelings when you...." and your response is to sneer or cast a snarky comment to them...

Get help.

If your child tried to come to you with something that scares or overwhelms them and you shut it down because it doesn't bother you the way it does them?

Get help.

If you've repeated cycles and you KNOW it and are to lazy to do the shadow work needed to be a better parent....... You already know what to do.

In conclusion;

Im 40 years old and I'm STILL irretrievably broken by what my mother did to me. Even if she was alive I'd want absolutely nothing to do with her.

I was relieved when she passed knowing my hurt would finally come to an end and I could finally move on with my life without anyone telling me what a ungrateful screw up I was...

I promise you kids don't just decide to stop talking to their parents one day for no reason...

Theres always a reason, it just usually ends up being that the child wasn't important enough for the parent to do better. Period. Sad but factual. Child abuse shaped my art as adult.

Trauma doesn't go away.

They wont forgive you.

Do better.

Don't leave your daughter alone in the woods with just a teddy bear......

All my love.

CR